Saturday, May 29, 2010

Reflections on psychology/philosophy within the psych hospital

My time in the psych ward was essentially the equivalent of brutal repeated mental rape. I was fighting orderlies and getting my ass shot up with thorazine constantly. I have always been aware and mindful of my psychological disorders, and delusions/mania/depression. At no time in my life have I ever been truly 'insane' or not mindful of the consequences of my actions, or willing to violate the rights of another. I always abide by the social contract, and endeavored to be as moral and good of a man as possible, despite my many many faults. I made the realization once I was there however when I was forced to ask for Ativan any time I was having panic or anxiety that all of my behaviors were somehow compelled/impelled by my tendencies, and I finally leapt the last hurdle in my mind. It is hard exactly to explain, but I am sure you had a similar paradigm shift at some point in time in your life. I realized that I was Phaedrus in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, only not destroyed - tempered and more driven towards my moral ends and self actualized. In my week there free from any substance abuse I forgot how brilliant my mind was when I applied myself, and wrote several hundred pages of what will be my book Christianity and the Discipline of Network Engineering, an extension to the Metaphysics of Quality described by Pirsig combined with thorough analysis of human motivation. It is a real application of Humanics, and a brilliant overall theory.

When my father attempted to get me psychological help as my autistic fits had gotten out of control at around age 11, I began a very in depth study of philosophy and psychology. One of my earliest memories was watching Carl Sagan's The Cosmos on PBS asking my dad questions, because at 2-3 I wanted to be an astronaut. Even as young as 11 I had a profound interest in psychology as my behavior prompted my parents to seek professional help for me, and their own relationship problems meant I spent more time than I'd care to or admit in psychiatrist/psychologist's offices. Additionally as a problem child starting in Junior High, I spent as much time in class as the counselors, vice principal, principal's offices. I spent the est of the time in the school library voluntary or involuntary in detention. I was always a voracious reader, taught myself to read not by memory, but language by 2.5 much to my parent's surprise. I at least skimmed near every book on every bookshelf I have encountered my entire life. At 11 I was on a huge Asimov kick, and read The Brain at least 2-3 dozen times before the age of 12. I read the DSM-IV to understand what it was the shrinks were attempting to do with me, and I knew I was autistic just reading the diagnostic section.

I was diagnosed with anti-authoritarian personality disorder at 14. I was a Hans Asperger 'little professor' so young, and my father and my scientific reading taught me logic above all and question everything. Once I began Debate in High School, my entire life made sense. I was always far too clumsy for sports, but using my mind instead of my body I was absolutely unstoppable. I devoured every philosophy book, learned how to truly research as opposed to read, and gloss over unimportant details to retain a high top level overview. I began acting out in a HDT Civil Disobedience manner, 'Once the system deserves my respect, it will have it.' This is why I always was so enamored with the law, as I realized if you knew every rule you could bend them all easily without breaking one. My generation has a much different perception of police than yours, because in your days we still had a modicum of individual liberties. I have had easily 100 contacts with police officers, dozens of traffic tickets when I always drive responsibly, arrested 13 times, and prosecuted now one time in Washington where the charges were dropped not deferred by the DA due to the police report reading like a cop on a power trip. I have now been arrested three times in the last two months when I am more careful and knowledgeable regarding the law than I ever was then.

So once I finally got released from the psych ward after 8 days of observation, I was sent on the way with a prescription for a strong anti-psychotic and well wishes to find that Adam had changed the locks on my house, emptied out my room, and I was homeless. With all the police activity, Adam deemed me too much a liability to stay but I just had given him the majority of money I received from my severance to stay there. This put me in a difficult situation, where I returned to Spokane. Then in Spokane, I didn't have anywhere to stay or any way to make money so I found myself back in LA again when I got a phone call from a friend needing help. I have been living homeless in LA playing my guitar for change and cigarettes, eating when I can and sleeping in my car or under the stars with My Lord. It is strangely liberating actually, I cannot even tell you how much I am enjoying the freedom of being a bohemian musician. I am just frustrated that those I care so much for in this town have let me down, due to being too afraid of police fucking up their life. I am a social pariah because I stand for my principles, and fear nothing that everybody else is terrified of. Well, being a leader is much more difficult than following and it is easier to attack you when you stick your neck out further than the rest of the pack. I am confident everything will work out for the better, and I am just waiting on my unemployment checks to show up and I will move up to Fresno.

No comments:

Post a Comment